Everyone always says timing is everything.

I got the new Imogen Heap cd. I have put off listening to it. I got it before some events transpired in my life that make it a challenging but important listen. So here I am. A musician who was introduced by someone very important to her and now long gone to this musician. When I get records like this, I listen and pay so much attention - when I get a new release by an artist who has this much emotional significance for me. It was the same with PJ Harvey and Victory at Sea.

It is strange how music and artists can mark certain periods of our lives.

When I listen to people who make music like this I want to be in rooms with them and ask questions. Or just look at them when certain parts of song lyrics come on.

I had a band practice with Diane today. First time we have played in a while. Felt so good. Continually, drums ground me. It is odd to be able to access a force that creates your own grounding. It can be your reset. When you have poured out, lived externally, extroversion combined with acute sensitivity.

I just want September 1. In my heart I guess I have looked towards it as a beacon. I guess I have to hope that rebirth and renewal can happen in fall, in a season of death. I have so often felt in reverse.

Did you ever notice how the concept of "settling down" includes the concept of settling?

Brave women I keep hearing about. Fierce hearts and fucking sad hearts. Heavy heads. Formulas that are supposed to work for us don't. I am looking for my tribe still. Every day. It escapes, we are broken. The bravest we can do is try to heal and spread wings again. To clean out crevices of our minds and have faith in ourselves, even when we have hit brick walls face on, eyes open.

I am writing a book. About the past decade. It has been hard.

the schizophrenia of loving a moving target.

usher out summer 2009. i am ready for fall, and maturation, death, and eventual rebirth.

in pursuit of peace and calm.

i had to point out to someone the other the strange reality that i actually find more comfort, peace, and stillness in loud, huge, death-defying sound. it is a cool part of recognizing who i am. as much as things have been in continual flux, music has never waivered for me. there will always be the freedom i feel behind a drum kit. every doubt and worry and anxiety and pain and let down and rage and sorrow is sublimated. i am lucky to have fallen in perpetual love with something as much as i have with drums.

i am going to try to make plans to take a drum lesson or some form of instruction with susie ibarra, an incredible free jazz drummer in nyc. she apparently offers these, and i think it would do wonders for me to participate in something like that.