I just spent part of this morning reading about Lebanon and the bombings, particularly that a U.N. posting was hit. I feel so strange inside about the state of the world, and my own complacency, and the truly desperate nature of the situation. Last night while playing music, I asked the question to my friends of whether or not there were any truly great, admirable, beautiful political leaders left, in the vein of MLK or Ghandi. Erin pointed out how institutionalized everything is. Is there room for bravery, or innovation, or creativity? Thinking outside the lines?

I am not interested in being part of a radical punk ghetto that is not interfacing and responding diligently to the needs of its community. I am not interested in a subculture that trumpets laziness and privilege exploitation and lack of intellectual rigor. I am interested in humility, in learning lessons, in doing difficult shit. And this year, I am also interested and trying like hell to be a healthy, loving person to myself. In years past, in work I have tried to do, I have lost that in the fray.

Here's to being emotionally healthy and not celebrating our fucked uped-ness. We need to be wide awake and cogent in the world. There is too much horrible shit not to. I can't anesthetize any more - not now.

I have been listening constantly to Majority Rule's Emergency Numbers lately. It is making me feel good, it is making me feel unstoppable. I think this is truly one of the most brilliant hardcore records ever written, and I feel giddy that my friends made it. The lyrics, the vocals, the arrangements, the delivery - it is so strange too how incredible life seems when you look at your past. I get huge fears that I will never experience some of the amazing things I already have - touring, playing incredible, mindblowing shows, that kind of fellowship. Things change so much each year and I sometimes worry that I experience things so intensely that it causes me to grow emotionally at a different rate.

This album is so visceral, so urgent. I want a life of urgency but I burn so hard sometimes that I end up feeling hurt. I want so much and I love with ferocity but I want to regenerate. I want to realize things in this life, envision and enable change. Build something beautiful. Be part of a legacy. I am never satisfied but sometimes satisfaction scares me as complacence.

I also have way too many books to read at home right now. I want to hole up in my room with them. I want to practice the art of being introverted more in the next couple of months. I feel fragile, and like I need to build armor for a next round.

I love my city. So, so much. I love its music and people and sense of community and possibility. This city needs me strong. So I need a hibernation.

AHH !!! The amazing Ashley has posted our Exotic Fever Fest website.

http://www.exoticfever.com/exoticfeverfest/
Awesome!!!!!

Hello.

We held a 21st birthday party for Positive Force last night as a benefit for the All Our Power project. www.allourpower.org. Please let me know if you are interested in being involved - we need all the help we can get! It was awesome seeing all the footage of bands, particularly Slant 6, Nation of Ulysses and Jawbox. GOD I loved Jawbox and I wish I had been at even more of their shows when they were active. Also, there was incredible footage of Fugazi playing Reclamation outside on a freezing day with heat rising from them. Totally worth seeing.

I miss that band immensely and had forgotten how much they did for me, and the path that they helped swerve my life towards.

The Wrong Day to Quit cds should arrive at my house today and we are still waiting for the Hope and Anchor ones. We are doing a show tonight for friends Hanalei from Chicago, featuring my friend Brian Moss, formerly of the Ghost. Sean McArdle and The Last Sixteen are playing, who Exotic Fever is releasing a split seven inch for.

I go to Bloomington, Indiana this Friday night for Plan It X Fest, to do a workshop on Saturday on feminist direct action with my friend Beck. It is kind of insane that we are driving this far to do this. We are nuts. I hope I do not die of exhaustion.

Katy